Why your advice (and my advice… and advice in general) stinks.
This morning I stumbled across and article titled “Stop Asking for Feedback” (“Stop Asking”). The premise is that feedback is “ineffective” and “less actionable” than advice; that you should stop asking for feedback and ask for advice instead. That people couch their feedback and turn it into non-descript and indirect fluff, while they are more comfortable providing direct advice on what they would do and how they would do things differently.
Well… of course they are!
We all LOVE our own advice and shudder at the thought of giving direct, constructive feedback. Who doesn’t think their advice is A+? Who is first in line to tell someone else that xyz could be better?
Having been in the HR space for 15 years, I’ve seen first-hand the challenges of giving direct, actionable feedback. Trends come and go but one topic that never fades from the training docket is how to have these difficult conversations. Many times, it doesn’t happen. When it does, most times both parties walk away having heard different things.
Why is it so hard? Most of the time it’s because it’s uncomfortable. It’s uncomfortable to give feedback – we don’t want to hurt someone’s feelings, we’re frustrated/burnt-out/pick your emotion, we’re not prepared, the list goes on. It’s also uncomfortable to get feedback – it’s personal. In my experience, there are folks that are better than others at hearing feedback but I’ve yet to meet someone who doesn’t have an internal response. It’s natural; you’re defending yourself from a perceived threat. Unfortunately, both parties walk away without having gotten what they need from the dialogue.
But I will contend that advice is not the answer. In his sequel to The Coaching Habit, Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Advice Trap is, in my opinion, the authority on the shortcomings of advice and how to tame your “Advice Monster”. With his trademark humor, Stanier eloquently makes the case against defaulting to advice and how to “stay curious a little bit longer” and “be more coach-like”. After all, as Stanier cites, “Being more coach-like was the characteristic that most distinguished leaders who best created impact.”
Even when we ask for it, advice isn’t as impactful as coaching. The advisor will never have the exact same information as the advisee. More importantly (and quite obviously), they will never be the same person. They don’t have the same style, motivations, values, skill-sets, etc. What someone tells you to do will never be as effective and impactful as someone asking you the right questions to develop that plan for yourself.
And, if you need any more convincing to dial back on doling out the advice, I will share the lines of Stanier’s book that changed my life, “a core belief you hold in that moment when your Advice Monster is loose: You’re better than the other person… You’re saying they’re not smart enough, wise enough, resilient enough, capable enough, competent enough, courageous enough, original enough, moral enough, generous enough, trustworthy enough. You’re saying that they’re not good enough… Sit with that and feel how uncomfortable it is to admit.”
So where do we go from here?
Lead with Coaching – Coaching is asking the right questions to help the coachee arrive at her own answer. This is important – you might not agree with the answer! To me, the two hardest parts about being a coach is taming my advice monster and not questioning in pursuit of “my” answer. The key is in trusting the coachee – that she will find the answer that is right for her and it will almost always be better than I could have advised.
The Coaching Habit is a great resource for anyone looking to practice being more “coach-like.” It’s a quick read with actionable tools and a list of 7 questions that will change the way you approach conversations.
Ask for Feedback – But Make it Specific – This is where the “Stop Asking” article and I agree in concept. They call it advice, I call it feedback (tomato, potato). Use open-ended questions to solicit feedback on a particular area you’re working on or on a particular goal. There are actually some great examples in the “Stop Asking” article that I would consider more feedback than advice – “What specifically did I do well? or “What is one thing I can do better next time?”. You may even prep someone in advance (ex: before a presentation) to let him know you will be asking for feedback and you’d like him to observe executive presence, speaking skill, etc. This will allow the individual to pay attention to what’s important and be prepared to provide valuable insight.
Advise Last – Common sense tells us there will still always be a place for advising. My challenge to you is – How will you “stay curious just a little bit longer and give advice just a little bit slower” (Michael Bungay Stanier)?